Saturday, December 29, 2012

Suburbia (1983)

This is, without a doubt, the worst piece of garbage I have seen in my eighteen years of being alive. Even more shocking than the fact that this trash exists is the notion that it was well received by audiences everywhere. Even more horrifying is the idea that people are hailing it as "realistic' and "meaningful." This movie is about as "meaningful" as the alcohol-fueled rants of the legless stepmother in "Buddy Boy," a film that you should rent after I save you from watching "Suburbia."

   The "plot" follows the teenaged Evan (played by Bill Coyne, a young actor who has the charm and acting skills of a block of wood), as he escapes his alcoholic mother and runs off to squat with a bunch of punks in a derelict building. All this occurs after a pointless and terribly executed scene where a child gets torn apart by a feral dog.


  The "acting" in this is bad. Really bad. People will defend the terrible, wooden performances by telling you that they used "real punks" with no prior acting experience to play in the movie. I call bulls**t. If you were going to make a film about the profoundly retarded, would you get the genuine article to gape at the camera during the intense moments? No, you would get actors to make the narrative believable.

   The dialogue is awful to the point of being laughable. The actors seem to not only be retarded, but also stoned. Here's a sample of the"'meaningful" dialogue. "I've-got-to-tell-you-man...that-sucks-big-eggs." The only think more laughable than the acting, dialogue, story, special effects, etc. is the earnesty of the whole production, displayed by ham-handed scenes where characters describe their alienation and broken homes, delivered with all the subtlety of a blunt hammer.

    Simply put, "Suburbia" is not a grade-B movie. It is an insult to grade-B movies, populated with actors who should be working in a gas station somewhere. For a good movie on punk culture, watch Shane Meadows' great autobiographical "This is England." As for me, I would gladly offer myself to  "Suburbia"'s flesh-eating Dobermans rather than watch this movie again. 

3 comments:

  1. I've actually never heard of this movie, but it doesn't look like I missed much. Unfortunately, there are way too many movies that can fit into this same description. I hope you have better luck on your next movie!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Bahahaha! Your first sentence almost made me spit out my coffee ;) Guess I'll skip this particular film!

    ReplyDelete

Hello, and thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts -- reader comments make this blogging gig worthwhile. :-) Due to excessive spam, we are now moderating all comments. Like that dude in the Monty Python skit, we just Don't ... Like ... Spam. I will try to post and respond to your comments as quickly as possibly.